I’ve asked about you and they’ve told me things but my mind didn’t change, I still feel the same.

It’s crazy how things can change so fast. Just last week, you were asking me to hang out with you after your basketball games. Just last week, we were hanging out at the library. Just last week, you would text me everyday. We would see each other all the time and now? I can’t even get you to talk to me for more than five seconds. I can’t get you to go back to treating me like you did. I know I fucked up big time and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m such a spiteful human being and my impulses take over my rational thoughts. I’m sorry that I made a big deal out of you not talking to me. I just wanted to be with you is all. I’m sorry that I cared that you left me. I’m sorry that I lost my goddamn mind and drank to forget about how annoyed, irritiated, pissed, sad, and livid I felt. I wanted to get back at you for leaving me. I wanted you to REGRET leaving me. I wanted you to be sad too. But turns out when you try to get back at someone for doing nothing wrong, it’ll come RIGHT back and bite you in the ass…ten times worse. I’m sorry I let my pride get in the way of having a potentially great night with you. That’s what sucks the most. The tension between us that won’t go away. That tension that’s preventing us from ever going back to normal. The tension that’s my fault. I’m sorry I ruined it but I can’t take it back. I’m sorry you had to see me that night with him. I know we weren’t dating but I should have respected you more than to do anything to purposefully hurt you. I started to think I could really actually care about you and now that you’re gone, I know that I do. It’s not like I was falling for you like crazy but I was falling for a good thing. I loved spending time with you and your friends. I love that you didn’t act differently in front of your friends with me. But mostly, I just loved being around you. Someone who made me just so happy. And I can’t say it enough but I’m sorry for ruining it all in the matter of ten minutes. If you never talk to me again, I don’t blame you. If you want nothing to do with me, I understand. I wouldn’t either. I just wish you wouldn’t ignore me. I just wish you would tell me how much I fucking suck and that you never want to speak to me again. That way, I know that there’s nothing left for me to hold onto. I hope you’re happy though. I really do. And even though I know you’ll never read this, I hope you know how sorry I am for fucking everything up….especially so soon. I’m sorry.